Will You?

"Kemana saja kutelah sedia ... Di kota yg besar atau dalam rimba, Tuhan pimpinanmu sempurna."

This song sounded so right and appealing to me as a teen. Back then, I could sing it with hopeful conviction. Fast forward to today, it's a totally different story. How so? Then, I was a typical teenager, looking for independence and was not altogether happy at home. I was looking for escape in any form. Today, on the other hand, I am a happy and fulfilled mature woman. After more than 15 years of delaying career development, I finally am on the verge of that journey. I have a promising offer to join a private practice after I graduate. I was also offered to teach a diploma course. A school wanted me to be the on-site psychologist. The prospect is good.

But God decides that He needs to test my heart. He sent someone, my husband's CEO, to ask, "Will I forsake all these to follow his calling somewhere else?" My immediate thought was, "Please don't send me to Africa, or Romania, or India, or anywhere else."

As a Christian, our lives has been purchased at a great price. The pure untainted blood of Jesus Christ has safe us from eternal condemnation. In turn, we are called to offer the short time we have on earth on the offering table. At this moment, I am reminded of Abraham who was asked to offer his precious son as a sacrifice. Will I offer my career in that way?

This was not the first time that we were asked to consider an overseas posting. However, for the first time, I have a lot to lose. So, what have I done in the past weeks following the talk with the CEO? I can't deny, I had a great influence on the decision my husband made. He trusted my gut feeling and had great respect of my view and opinion. I asked my children and I rejoiced in the fact that at least one of them strongly opposed of moving from Singapore even at the prospect of a more relax international school education. Then I gave my full endorsement in the decision to buy a new car hoping that it would weigh in on staying put. I talked to my husband about how personnel movement in the telecom industry is so dynamic that he would lose touch with the players in the region if he agreed to take on a remote post.

While my husband's decision was to decline nicely, my internal dialog with God continues. Just because it's now inconsequential, He is still waiting for my answer. I can't just humour Him because he is the all knowing God. So I can only be honest.

In the past weeks, I have asked frankly, "God, you really are asking me to give it up. You helped me to be one of the 6 applicants selected beating 300 other applicants for the masters program. You helped me open school doors so I could do my research in the schools. You helped me juggle home responsibility, classes, practicum, and etc. Is it all for this?" His reply was, "Ah, my child, after all we have been through, you still can't trust me? Only the best for you. I'll make it good."

Sigh... I don't know what's in store. With a heavy heart, this too I cannot hold on too tightly. One thing I know, if one day the time come, He will make it easy for me. It will not feel like a sacrifice, but instead, it will feel like a blessing. So there it is... this too, I will let it go.