On the Subject of Loyalty

Loyalty. It's a virtue, is it not? But what if our loyalty clashes with other virtue such as fairness, justice, or honesty? We are expected to be loyal to our blood relatives, to our benefactor, to our leader, to our country, and etc. It is very difficult to be disloyal to someone we love and respect. The Mas Selamat (click here for the story) case is an example.

While it is easy for people to condemn the family who harbored him, it is understandable that the instinct to protect the one you love and respect is difficult to fight. I have seen personally how loyalty caused people to justify wrongdoing, to protect the offender, to cover up the offense, and to brush off the offensive behavior as something one off and insignificant.

Blind loyalty to a spiritual leader often is the crux of many church division. Often there are factions within the church. Each factions are loyalists to each opposing leaderships. This shouldn't be happening in a church if our loyalty is directed appropriately to the Lord instead of to a leader.

True Lies

A lie repeated three times become truth to the listener. It is dangerous to say a lie. When that lie is repeated by another person, then another person, the lies gained credibility. This is often how character assassination is done. Something unfounded, unconfirmed, an allegation at best become the fact of the matter just because the message managed to be repeated unverified by several people. When lies come from leaders, be it leader of a political parties, an organization, a clan, or even a church, it is easily accepted as truth. It is very important to always verify your source even if it is from someone you respected and revered. People, even leaders are human after all. So, what are we to do?

• Always hold judgement in the absence of verifiable evidence.
• Strongly voice your concern over accepting allegation as truth especially when it concern someone's reputation. By staying silent, we are passively giving credibility to the lies.
• If the allegation is important to you, go directly to the person. There is always two side of the story.

Watershed Moments

A watershed moment is "a moment in time where everything changes. A point in time when nothing will ever be the same as before" (Wikianswer). Something important happened that it became a turning point. Accepting Jesus Christ as ones personal savior is an example of a watershed moment for Christians. The birth of a child can be a significant watershed moment. Getting a promotion, graduating, and being diagnosed with a disease can also be a watershed moment. Some watershed moments are less dramatic in its manifestation. It can happen discreetly and exists only in the minds of the individuals but still, the impact changes lives. Sometime it can be as simple as hearing words of wisdom from a friend or crossing path with certain individuals.

I strongly believe that churches should be in the business of facilitating watershed moments. However, the reality is, not everyone who attend a church organized activity will experience a watershed moment. Therefore our goal and prayer should not be for hoards of people to come to an event but it should be that God will bring those who need to experience watershed moments to a church event. The church in turn should not look at the numbers as point of evaluation on a program. It can be misleading to say that a program is successful if the measure is only in the number of attendees.

That said, invoking the work of the holy spirit is essential without whom the desired outcome will not come to fruition. A program can be successful in spiritual sense only if it is orchestrated by the Lord himself.

Self service

Aviva recently rolled out an advertisement for it's new online insurance quotation service. The message was that it's convenient and potential customers don't even need to speak to anybody. Has impersonal and indirect electronic communication systems like email, SMS, chats instead of direct and life conversation became the preferred means of connecting with other people now? It probably is and it is disturbing to me. My recent experience of trying to find people to man the 'tim pemerhati' or 'care ministry team' is an example. The job is at the very least to inform people under their care of upcoming events. But more importantly, they are to befriend and show compassion and attention to the happening in each others' life. I had several people who responded that they are willing to do the email n SMS stuff but they are not willing to do the more direct face to face or life phone contacts.

Why is this happening? The digital age to some degree is the culprit. However, it is true also that human being are becoming segmented and self sufficient increasingly. We like to build walls of protection. What are we trying to protect? Our resources, our time, our own self, our privacy and many more. We are afraid that others instead, will put demand on us. We believe that we don't need anybody and vice versa, others should not have need of us. It is a sad state of affair when such attitude is found within the body of Christ since the world is supposed to know who we are by our love for one another.

Autumn

"Autumn" was my friend's facebook status line update this week. The word conjured longing. Things I miss because we don't have autumn in Singapore:

1. The leaves changing color
2. Crisp cool air
3. Pulling out sweaters, jackets and mittens
4. Enjoying soup and hot beverages to its fullest
5. First snow of the season
6. Apple cider
7. Pumpkins and hays
8. Indian summer days (summer like days in autumn)

Faith and Healing

Whether you believe or not, some placebos have been known to relieve pain in certain people. There were even placebo surgeries on the knees and the back that had been documented to produce the same long term pain relief as surgery. It was suspected that it was the patient's own belief that generate changes within the body.

What about those who are healed in Christian healing services or in places regarded to be holy like Lourdes? Did healing come from divine intervention or is it just the mind, out of believe in divine intervention, tricking the body into starting the healing process?

How about miraculous healing recorded in the bible? Jesus often healed with His words alone. Did He worked through the influencing of the mind as well? It could very well be. Is it just a matter of persuasion then? If persuasion is all it takes, doesn't that put any highly persuasive person who is believable in a position of a powerful medicine man?

The human body God created is an amazing thing. It can go haywire for no apparent reason. But it can also right itself without much intervention. What does it mean then for those modern man like myself who put so much faith in modern medicine that has gone through randomized clinical trial? After all, modern medicine has its own limit. At which point should people like me stop believing in modern medicine and rely solely on divine intervention? When the doctors say that modern medicine is no longer a viable option? As Christians, we are called to put our hope in God only. What does that mean? It will be too extreme, won't it, to forgo taking medicine and rely solely only on prayers and faith in God.

I know some will go to one extreme and say anything less than total reliance on divine intervention is a sign of 'lack of faith' and therefore the prayers offered will not produce results. But I believe that God has given me a curious mind and resources to tap into modern technology for a reason. That said, I cannot, in the right mind, ignore them completely. These information are made available to me so I can heed them. It is by no means a sign of lack of faith.

On one income

Having the choice to stay at home to bring up your own children is an enviable situation. But it also means living with one income. Many believe that only those whose husbands make tons on money can afford to do so. Young couples who are just starting out in their career think it is impossible to live on one income.

Living on one income should start before the need arises which usually happen when couples started to have babies. Why? Because it is very difficult to 'down grade' to half the lifestyle you are used to. Of course it is easily said than done. In fact it requires a great deal of self control and fortitude from the individuals to choose to live way below ones mean. It will mean taking the appearance of someone less well off. It requires humility. But speaking from experience, it's all worth it.

Chasing The Blues

Reading my last two entries made me realize I had the blues. It is another side effect of SERM. I am implementing intervention by scheduling activities, up my exercise routine, putting no demand on myself (well sort of), and practice the 'look good feel better' principle. I think it is working already.

Are Christians expected to be immune of depression? Some people believe that. I, for one, know that changes and imbalance on the brain chemistry can cause mental illness, including depression. The one thing that's wrong is for the depressed people to neglect applying treatment.

Facing the Giants-2

It was not explicitly stated anywhere, but premature aging is the indirect effect of SERM (Sellective Estrogen Receptor Modulator) as it does the opposite of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). While SERM is a powerful drug that has been proven to reduce the risk of cancer recurrence, HRT is a drug that reduces the negative effect of menopause in women. So I have been on SERM for almost 4 months now. The aging effect has begun to show. Maybe not too obvious to people who sees me regularly. However, I have several people who did not know of my condition has commented how I looked pale or tired on several occasions. The last straw was this morning. I ran into a parent of my student whom I hadn't seen in 6 years. She is one of the nicest parent I've ever encountered while teaching in preschool. She said, "You look... (1 second pause that says a lot).. you haven't aged at all." I knew it was a lie. She was being kind to me. Granted six years is a long time, her reaction was not off base. I do look paler and older now, and for the first time in my entire life, I feel insecure about my look. This insecurity about the way I externally age is another test, and hence another giant in my life. Insecurity often negatively impact human relationships. It can be poisonous. How will I handle it? Will I be susceptible to hurt by innocents comments? Will it turn me into a very difficult and unreasonable person? God help me, I hope not.

The picture above was taken in Humboldt Redwood State Park in California's northern coast. The redwoods trees are gigantic. They are believed to be more than 500 years old. Along the state highway that cut across the wood, there are hiking trails going into the forest. My children who are basically city kids were quite apprehensive about going into the trails. Inside the forest it could be quite dark on a cloudy day. At times, the trail seemed to disappear because of fallen leaves and branches. But I knew that these trails are regularly patrolled by the park rangers who make sure that they are safe and the wildlife are under control.

The journey ahead is very much like going into a forest trail lined by giant trees and filled with wildlife lurking around the corner. God is the ranger. Whom shall I fear? He'll make sure that "the temptations in [my] life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more that [I] can stand. When [I] am tempted, he will show [me] a way out so that [I] can endure" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Facing the Giants-1

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

God has deemed it necessary, in order to make me more "mature and complete," to throw in a test in my life. Cancer itself is not the test, but it ushers me into it.

Having cancer changes your life. It may sound like a cliche, but it's true. The change can go both ways. There are many who testified of turning a new leaf after cancer. From a self-centered and reckless lifestyle, these people turned themselves around and basically grow up. But I also know of an older woman who was a devoted mother and wife, full of patience and self-sacrifice pre-cancer. Post-cancer, she changed. She was angry and disappointed that during her ordeal, her children and husband was lacking in the way they cared for her. This paragon of a mother turned her back on her family, left her husband, and live for herself. She became so self-centered beyond her family's comprehension. How has cancer changed my life?

One area that has always been a struggle for me is patience. I am not good in waiting, especially for people. During the earlier days of cancer, whenever I became impatience and my family say, "What's the rush?", the temptation was strong to just retort in anger "I shouldn't be made to wait. I have cancer after all. I probably won't live as long as I thought I would."

Doctors said that with my current treatment, there is only 10% chance that it will return. But the medication I am taking is putting me at a slightly increased risk of developing another type of cancer, ovarian cancer. I am doing all I can to repress those thoughts but there are moments when it rears its ugly head. This fear of recurrence become an ugly giant in my life. This fear could cause me to be depressed, short-tempered, full of resentments, self-centered, manipulative, self-serving, and many more. This is the test God is putting me through to make me "mature and complete." I have to continue live my life, long or short it may be, the same way I did pre-cancer, if not for the better, putting God and others first, and myself last, in spite of the looming fear.

Next week marked the end of 5 and a half weeks of radiation. As I lay down on the radiation table every day, I take comfort in knowing that each zap is destroying whatever cancer cell that remains. I have been warned that it's easy to remain positive and upbeat during treatment. But post-treatment, as nothing is being done anymore and essentially no more action undertaken, fears and worries will become stronger. How will I react? It remains to be seen in the days ahead. I might fall and fail along the way. But I know that God is faithful, and he will rescue me in good time.

Attacked by the tiger?

Am I a casualty of the year of the tiger? Some fortune tellers would have said so. My father who was born in the year of the tiger is always nervous when the tiger year comes around. As far as I remember, fortune tellers foretold that tigers faced danger in tiger year. But this tiger year is different. They said it was the family member of the tiger that would be in danger. Well, in short, a doctor diagnosed me with breast cancer in April. Is this a fulfillment of the fortune teller's prediction, or was it a mere coincidence? I believe it's neither. God has a purpose for me, and the people around me, that I should be visited by cancer.

I thank God for the wisdom to follow the Ministry of Health call for women to get regular mammogram after 40 years old. I thank God for a doctor who explained to me and convinced me to have an irregular shaped fibroid checked further through a biopsy. The way I see it, it is a blessing that God arranged events to happen in such a way that a diagnosis of breast cancer did minimal disruption in my life. The cancer cell was still very small and confined to the small area. Surgery was minimally invasive. Recovery was fast beyond anybody's imagination. Adjuvant therapy was a breeze. Even though I was in the midst of final exam and final project at the time of diagnosis and surgeries, God saw to it that the last semester of my graduate school was not compromised. I am now in the last leg of radiotherapy, I don't foresee that things will go awry the rest of the treatment.

To prevent giving my father a mental blow, this has been kept from him. I don't know how long it will take from the publishing of this entry till news reach my hometown. I am praying that God will use this to rid my family members of any superstitious beliefs that have plagued their Christian walk.

I have not sorted out what God's purposes are. But I trust it will unfold itself in good time. I only know the tiger might be crouching ready to attack. However, it's not my body he is after, but the souls of people who believe in satan's deceits.

Petitionary Prayer

Prayer, which is the chief exercise of faith, and by which we daily receive God's benefits - John Calvin.

Many petitionary prayers have been offered in prayer meetings. Do these prayers change God's plan? Does anybody benefit from these prayers? Some are convinced the more prayers offered, the better the result, meaning the better the chance that the petition will be granted. For the person who has cancer, payers for healing, for strength, for faith, for protection and many more were offered customarily. The question remain, do these prayers change anything?

The belief in the effectiveness of petitionary prayer at a glance seem to be in contradiction with the belief in all powerful, all knowing, totally good and constant God. God is unchangeable. So asking him anything is a futile exercise, isn't it? This often lead to apathy in prayer life among Christians. I don't really know how things work in the heavenly realms with regards to petitionary prayer. The following is my recent reflections.

Prayer has a therapeutic effect that Christians can avail themselves without incurring expensive psychotherapy sessions. Prayers has been known to have the effect of relieving the praying person of anxiety. Indeed we are called to pray when we are anxious (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God - Philippians 4:6). When I pray for my own issues, I am relieved from being the sole owner of the issues. Giving ownership of my problems and worries to God is such as a liberating experience. Essentially, in my prayers I said, "I know You knew and You have a purpose. But now You know that I know that You know. You are in it and I am calling on You to take over and carry out your plan accordingly. Everything is now in your hands." Then relief from anxiety comes. That's one of the benefit of a petitionary prayer.

Now, what benefits do those who pray for others receive? Could it be that there is a benefit to be in the fellowship of other people illness, suffering, and problems? Could it be the fact that they were spared, allows them to silently offer a prayer of thanksgiving? I have to admit that I have in many occasions thanked God for not knowing what it was like to suffer the way others had suffered. Could it be that praying for others give us a sense that we have done our part in the grand scheme of the situation? Both of them may be the benefits of praying for others. In my experience, additionally, praying for others provide a variety of topic of conversation between myself and God. It is something to talk about and it gives me a way to prolong an encounter with God.

The benefits of offering petitionary prayer essentially is not in the positive change it can bring about. But instead, it is in the encounter with God itself; that is the benefit for all who pray.

On God's Short Leash

To be kept on a short leash means to be under the control of somebody else, and not given much freedom to choose what to do. God is keeping me on a short leash these days and it is not a bad thing. This is the way I see it.

Years ago, I spent 1 month dog-sitting. A very well to do former judge in Colorado needed someone to take care of her German Shepherd, Penny, while she and her husband went on vacation. One of the duty was to take the dog for a hike every other day. This judge lived on a mountain home. What it meant was that the houses were sparse, with wild mountain all around. The closest entrance to a hiking trail was just steps away from her doorstep. Only every now and then along the hike, you'd see other properties. The judge took me on her usual hike route and told me some areas where Penny needed to be put on a leash, preferably a short one, and this was why. Penny was a gentle and docile big dog. She easily got nervous around certain dog, one of which a cheeky one who lived in the house we passed by on the hike. By being kept on a short leash, Penny felt safe and calm, and the other dog refrained from antagonizing her further.

Being kept on a short leash by a benevolent good being who has all the best intention of you is actually not a bad thing if you look at it that way. In my case, there may be 'cheeky dog' ahead I am not aware of. The short leash will keep me safe, protected, and very near Him.

Celebrating an Approved Workman

One of the question I have in my mind lately was concerning my son. He accepted Jesus Christ at the age of 4 (Click here for the story). Where is he spiritually now? What has he learned and experience? Where does he stand on things that has eternal values? Today, as a graduate of AWANA (Approved Workman Are Not Afraid), he gave his testimony, and I got my answer. Here is a homevideo of his testimony. I am so proud of him. I pray that the principles he learned thus far will carry him through the years ahead, especially the turbulent teen years.

Will You?

"Kemana saja kutelah sedia ... Di kota yg besar atau dalam rimba, Tuhan pimpinanmu sempurna."

This song sounded so right and appealing to me as a teen. Back then, I could sing it with hopeful conviction. Fast forward to today, it's a totally different story. How so? Then, I was a typical teenager, looking for independence and was not altogether happy at home. I was looking for escape in any form. Today, on the other hand, I am a happy and fulfilled mature woman. After more than 15 years of delaying career development, I finally am on the verge of that journey. I have a promising offer to join a private practice after I graduate. I was also offered to teach a diploma course. A school wanted me to be the on-site psychologist. The prospect is good.

But God decides that He needs to test my heart. He sent someone, my husband's CEO, to ask, "Will I forsake all these to follow his calling somewhere else?" My immediate thought was, "Please don't send me to Africa, or Romania, or India, or anywhere else."

As a Christian, our lives has been purchased at a great price. The pure untainted blood of Jesus Christ has safe us from eternal condemnation. In turn, we are called to offer the short time we have on earth on the offering table. At this moment, I am reminded of Abraham who was asked to offer his precious son as a sacrifice. Will I offer my career in that way?

This was not the first time that we were asked to consider an overseas posting. However, for the first time, I have a lot to lose. So, what have I done in the past weeks following the talk with the CEO? I can't deny, I had a great influence on the decision my husband made. He trusted my gut feeling and had great respect of my view and opinion. I asked my children and I rejoiced in the fact that at least one of them strongly opposed of moving from Singapore even at the prospect of a more relax international school education. Then I gave my full endorsement in the decision to buy a new car hoping that it would weigh in on staying put. I talked to my husband about how personnel movement in the telecom industry is so dynamic that he would lose touch with the players in the region if he agreed to take on a remote post.

While my husband's decision was to decline nicely, my internal dialog with God continues. Just because it's now inconsequential, He is still waiting for my answer. I can't just humour Him because he is the all knowing God. So I can only be honest.

In the past weeks, I have asked frankly, "God, you really are asking me to give it up. You helped me to be one of the 6 applicants selected beating 300 other applicants for the masters program. You helped me open school doors so I could do my research in the schools. You helped me juggle home responsibility, classes, practicum, and etc. Is it all for this?" His reply was, "Ah, my child, after all we have been through, you still can't trust me? Only the best for you. I'll make it good."

Sigh... I don't know what's in store. With a heavy heart, this too I cannot hold on too tightly. One thing I know, if one day the time come, He will make it easy for me. It will not feel like a sacrifice, but instead, it will feel like a blessing. So there it is... this too, I will let it go.

Social Boldness

Social boldness is a trait that not many have. It takes social boldness to drive a disfigured car around Singapore, and I have done it for the past four weeks. It has been quite an experience.

Singapore is a place where all the cars (well most of the cars) are sleek, shiny, and new. You hardly see an old, let alone deformed car on the road. Most cars are de-registered and sent overseas or the scrapyard way before they turn 10 years old. The government set a policy that encourages car owners to de-register their cars at 5 years old. Our car is a considered an octogenarian as it is 8 years and 5 months old. Its cohorts can hardly be found on the street.

It has been quite an experience driving this disfigured car. It has drawn looks. People looked at the car and then looked at me, and I could tell they formed an unflattering opinion about my driving skills. Some pretended not to have seen it, especially friends and neighbors. Being polite, they don't want to put me in an awkward or embarrassing moment. Our children were at first embarrassed of the car condition. I told them, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not a stolen car. Beside, think of the alternative, I told them: take public transport in the sweltering weather. Surprisingly, I have gained the approval of our eccentric neighbor who is driving a Toyota from the 1980's. The old man, who usually looks dour, now will nod and smile to me. He considers me his tribe: fellow owner of ugly cars :-) Now, my children are getting the notion, how special our car is. I hope this experience has planted seeds of social boldness in them.

People have been asking me how much longer I am keeping the car for the past 3 years. Every time, I answered till its 9 years and 11 months, or until it become too problematic. Well, we have clocked 164,000 km on in. Apart from the normal wear and tear maintenance, this car hardly ever give me grief. Considering all the problems with sticky pedals and brake malfunction problems of the Toyotas in the US, we should be weary of getting a new car. My car accelerates when I want it to, slows down when I release the accelerator, and safely stops when I press on the brake. One can't help to wonder, what if the new car is not as reliable as this one, good look notwithstanding?

Chinese Zodiac and Christian Faith

The following is a story how unfaithfulness, no matter how small and how momentary provide the devil with a window of opportunity and erected a wall between Christians and God.

There are two male tigers in my family. When the little tiger was born, a fortune teller advise my grandmother that he had to be given away because his zodiac clashed with the father's. The fortune teller said that he would be in direct opposition with the father, he would disrupt the harmony, and he would bring heartache to the family. What the fortune teller predicted came through. The junior tiger never got along with the senior tiger. He was always the source of discord in the family. Finally, 5 years ago, he brought heartache to the whole family. And true enough, five years with him in exile, far away from the family, harmony and good fortune returned.

Those who remembered the fortune teller would say, "It's fulfilled." However, as an insider, I see how it is actually the work of the evil one. My parents, who profess to be Christians, consciously or unconsciously, have lingering belief in the fortune teller. This lingering belief, which is a grave offense in the eyes of God, provides a window for the devil to do its work. How so? Outwardly, my parents did not act on the advice and 'give away*' junior tiger but this lingering belief caused them to adopt parenting strategies they believed would counter the prophecy.

To make a long story short, because of this lingering belief, my mother was overly protective of junior tiger at the expense of disapproval from the senior tiger. While the senior tiger looked at junior as someone he needed to tame and put under control. Differences in parenting style became the source of acrimony. This pattern of inconsistent and disparate parenting style confused junior and resulted in maladaptive behaviors. The pattern of protectiveness on the mother's side and the need to subdue on the father's side continued even when junior became an adult.

The Chinese zodiac system is such a part of Chinese culture that it's hard to avoid not hearing prophecy concerning them especially when you have relatives or friends who are not believers. It is inevitable that we will hear snippets of common beliefs or specific forecast. It's too simplistic to say that we no longer belief in that with our mouths. What is in the deep recesses of our hearts? It is common truth that what we say with our mouths often is not what's in our hearts. In fact, we often say things that we don't belief just to give us false assurance or to deceive ourselves. What are we to do?

Several years ago, at the turn of the year of the rooster, my mother bought me a golden figurine of a rooster standing on a pile of coins. She said I was entering a critical year especially since I just bought a property (Two months earlier, after one year of praying and searching, my husband and I just closed on the a major property investment). I told my mother that I will accept the rooster out of respect not out of belief. But what was hidden deep in my heart? During the weeks and months that follows, every time I looked at the rooster, I recalled what my mother said. Then I began to wonder what if it was a mistake to make that property investment. At one point, the rooster figurine, actually provided me with a sense of protection almost like having insurance coverage. It's very very faint, nevertheless I knew it's there. Without delay, I got down on my knees and asked God to forgive me for that lapse, and to reveal and destroy any traces of unfaithfulness still hidden in me. The rooster is still sitting in my cabinet. It now serves as a constant reminder of how easily culture and tradition sway me and interfere in my walk with the Lord.



*Many family does this by having another family member "adopt" not legally but only customarily. Usually, the child will call the adopted relatives "mother & father" but call the biological parents "aunt & uncle" but the child will continue to live with the biological family.

A Hiatus

What a month January was. Has the Opinionated Aunty lost her voice? My children probably hope so, but that's not the case. It has been a busy month where for the first time in my whole life I have to categorize tasks on daily basis into important and urgent, important & not urgent, and not important. I actually have to schedule-in relaxing activities. So what is my priority list look like?

Important and Urgent:

• Checking in with God - good thing He is always available, no appointment necessary.
• Checking in with hubby and kids - they are busy people, so I must catch them when they are not otherwise engaged.
• Food in the refrigerator and larder at all times. Food on the table at meal times. Clean eating utensils.
  
• Clean and ironed school uniforms & work clothes.
  
• Work and school assignments.
• Appointments with clients.
• Bill payments.
• Keep exercise routine.
• Taking care of visiting extended family.
  

Important but not urgent:

• Clean house.
• Work on dissertation.
  
• Answering personal letters -I have been exchanging long letters with a friend from primary school (through the internet of course).
• Checking in with facebook friends - I like to know what's going on with my friends, so I follow live feed whenever I can.
• Planning for Chinese New Year balik kampung (visit to Indonesia) - this will move up to urgent by the end of this week.
  
• Planning for a family holiday.
• Following local and world news.
• Car servicing.
  

Not important:

• Blogging
• Get a hair-cut, buy a new bottle of lotion and perfume (used my last drop sometime in December, so if I don't smell nice anymore, you know why... :-)
• Buy new clothes for Chinese New Year for my family (we never wear new clothes for CNY, so its unlikely that this year will be any different).
• Car washing.
  

New Year

Written on 4th January 2010, published almost one month later.

New Year, new beginning.
Clean slate... or a bag-full of mix feelings?

Nineteen years ago, a sadness brought upon by a rejection was born in me. Though it failed to overwhelm me but its presence was real. There were times when the pain was so great I could feel something in my chest breaking. Love, marriage and children brought comforts and distractions. Over the years there were periods of hopeful confidence, interspersed with moments of doubt.

Two years ago, choices I made brought upon a renewal of the rejection. The pain returned with a vengeance. It started to affect my relationship with other people. A wise godly woman suggested that may be it's time to accept the fact that that illusive acceptance will remain illusive. I am trying it out this new year.