Facing the Giants-2

It was not explicitly stated anywhere, but premature aging is the indirect effect of SERM (Sellective Estrogen Receptor Modulator) as it does the opposite of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). While SERM is a powerful drug that has been proven to reduce the risk of cancer recurrence, HRT is a drug that reduces the negative effect of menopause in women. So I have been on SERM for almost 4 months now. The aging effect has begun to show. Maybe not too obvious to people who sees me regularly. However, I have several people who did not know of my condition has commented how I looked pale or tired on several occasions. The last straw was this morning. I ran into a parent of my student whom I hadn't seen in 6 years. She is one of the nicest parent I've ever encountered while teaching in preschool. She said, "You look... (1 second pause that says a lot).. you haven't aged at all." I knew it was a lie. She was being kind to me. Granted six years is a long time, her reaction was not off base. I do look paler and older now, and for the first time in my entire life, I feel insecure about my look. This insecurity about the way I externally age is another test, and hence another giant in my life. Insecurity often negatively impact human relationships. It can be poisonous. How will I handle it? Will I be susceptible to hurt by innocents comments? Will it turn me into a very difficult and unreasonable person? God help me, I hope not.

The picture above was taken in Humboldt Redwood State Park in California's northern coast. The redwoods trees are gigantic. They are believed to be more than 500 years old. Along the state highway that cut across the wood, there are hiking trails going into the forest. My children who are basically city kids were quite apprehensive about going into the trails. Inside the forest it could be quite dark on a cloudy day. At times, the trail seemed to disappear because of fallen leaves and branches. But I knew that these trails are regularly patrolled by the park rangers who make sure that they are safe and the wildlife are under control.

The journey ahead is very much like going into a forest trail lined by giant trees and filled with wildlife lurking around the corner. God is the ranger. Whom shall I fear? He'll make sure that "the temptations in [my] life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more that [I] can stand. When [I] am tempted, he will show [me] a way out so that [I] can endure" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Facing the Giants-1

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

God has deemed it necessary, in order to make me more "mature and complete," to throw in a test in my life. Cancer itself is not the test, but it ushers me into it.

Having cancer changes your life. It may sound like a cliche, but it's true. The change can go both ways. There are many who testified of turning a new leaf after cancer. From a self-centered and reckless lifestyle, these people turned themselves around and basically grow up. But I also know of an older woman who was a devoted mother and wife, full of patience and self-sacrifice pre-cancer. Post-cancer, she changed. She was angry and disappointed that during her ordeal, her children and husband was lacking in the way they cared for her. This paragon of a mother turned her back on her family, left her husband, and live for herself. She became so self-centered beyond her family's comprehension. How has cancer changed my life?

One area that has always been a struggle for me is patience. I am not good in waiting, especially for people. During the earlier days of cancer, whenever I became impatience and my family say, "What's the rush?", the temptation was strong to just retort in anger "I shouldn't be made to wait. I have cancer after all. I probably won't live as long as I thought I would."

Doctors said that with my current treatment, there is only 10% chance that it will return. But the medication I am taking is putting me at a slightly increased risk of developing another type of cancer, ovarian cancer. I am doing all I can to repress those thoughts but there are moments when it rears its ugly head. This fear of recurrence become an ugly giant in my life. This fear could cause me to be depressed, short-tempered, full of resentments, self-centered, manipulative, self-serving, and many more. This is the test God is putting me through to make me "mature and complete." I have to continue live my life, long or short it may be, the same way I did pre-cancer, if not for the better, putting God and others first, and myself last, in spite of the looming fear.

Next week marked the end of 5 and a half weeks of radiation. As I lay down on the radiation table every day, I take comfort in knowing that each zap is destroying whatever cancer cell that remains. I have been warned that it's easy to remain positive and upbeat during treatment. But post-treatment, as nothing is being done anymore and essentially no more action undertaken, fears and worries will become stronger. How will I react? It remains to be seen in the days ahead. I might fall and fail along the way. But I know that God is faithful, and he will rescue me in good time.