What Ifs

What if the apostle Paul had gone to Asia instead of Greece on his second journey?

Instead of Christmas in December, we'll have Christmas in February.
Instead of turkey, ham, and goose, we'll be dining on fish, suckling pig and Peking duck.
Instead of log cakes, we'll eat sticky rice cakes for dessert.
Instead of stuffed stocking, we'll have stuffed red packets.
Instead of Christmas trees, we'll decorate with pussy willows and cherry blossoms.
Instead of wreaths, we'll hang upside down "Shen" at our doors.

What ifs.

Christmas Reflection

Christmas is no longer celebrated by Christians. Almost the whole world is. How do I feel about sharing it? Lousy. I feel like I have lent my great-grandma's priceless heirloom soup tureen only to find that it will be used by the borrower as a spittoon or worse, a piss-pot. However, I realize that if I keep the 'soup tureen' selfishly, I will not get to tell the story of how great my 'great-grandma' was.

Take the Christmas song for example. Secular and insipid songs composed by non-Christians about Rudolf, Santa Clause, Frosty the Snowman, Roasted Chestnuts, I'll be Home for Christmas, and etc has taken over the more traditional and spiritual Christmas carols composed by Christians. Christmas became a celebration of the winter solstice and everything attached to it.

The commercial exploitation of Christmas has reached gargantuan level that the meaning of Christmas has disappeared. In Singapore Christmas is about the lights on Orchard Road shopping belt, eating turkeys and hams, log cakes, garland of hollies, mistletoe, gingerbread boys, christmas trees and presents. Unbeknown to people, even to some Christians, some of these symbols have its origin from ancient pagan worship in Europe. In the mean time, the true symbols associated with Christmas such as the star, the angels, the shepherds, the baby Jesus, the manger, the magis are almost forgotten.

People of other faiths who live in Singapore probably will say, why I am grumbling about it when the city is helping me celebrate with no expense spared. It's true the Muslims and the Hindus did not get such lavish attention. Neverthetheless... the soup tureen and the piss-pot...? On the other hand, would I prefer to celebrate on my own, with only my own Christian friends? Of course not. I would like the whole world to know the hopes and dreams that is made possible with the birth of Jesus.

The perversion of Christmas began centuries ago. It may started off as a christianized pagan holiday with the adaptation of pagan symbols. Today, the perversion continues. For these reasons, Christmas will continue to be a disturbing holy day for me. Nevertheless, I will celebrate it with a thankful heart, giving thanks for the holy Son of God, who submit himself to a short life on this wretched earth and end it with suffering on the cross, to pay for the price of my sins.

Pretenses

I saw pictures of a Thanksgiving service on facebook. In it, groups of people, young, old, children were on stage dressed up in rented ethnic costumes (with exception of the Chinese garbs of course). I believe that the people wearing the traditional clothes were all Chinese and yet they were wearing Indonesian tribal costumes other countries' national costumes.

I am trying to understand from the pictures what the goals they were trying to accomplish. What was the purpose of potraying diversity when diversity was never achieved or even attempted? After all, this was a church where some people in the leadership periodically emphasized "going back to their root" which was being a "Mandarin Church."

In the end, I came to the conclusion that it was either a pretense or just something different to do to generate novelty experience, excitement or a good colorful show.

Design Absurdity

No matter how nice the design of the bathroom is, the idea of an "open-style bath in the room" is the latest absurdity Singapore interior designers came up with. These are the reasons why it is absurd:

• Who would really want to see a toilet bowl from the bedroom. That will kill any romantic mood.
• How to get privacy while on the throne?
• How about the smell, humidity, and all the other negativity associated with a bathroom?
• It certainly make the bedroom remind one to a prison cell with the toilet bowl right next to the bed, tempered-proof glass in between not withstanding.
  

Changes at the Wet Market

I have lived in Singapore for 11 years. My grocery shopping habit changed several times. During the first few months, I went to Bukit Timah market believing that the shopping there gives me the freshest products and the best value for money. That was a misconception, and I found out later that the sellers there were known to "kethok" (overcharge) you if they got any hints that you were not local. I could detect the glee in their faces as they took my money.

As for freshness, the chicken, meat and vegetables were at room temperature as in those days refrigeration for meat products in wet market were not required. How could they retain their freshness when they were exposed to Singapore heat for hours? I found the vegetable lasted only 3 days at most, and they started to turn yellow or to rot (broccoli/bean sprout especially) while in the refrigerator. On the other hand, vegetables I bought at the supermarket lasted for one week without turning yellow or rotting in the refrigerator.

As for value for money, back then, I found I spend more when shopping at the wet market than at NTUC. Strange isn't it, but I found out the reasons. At the wet market then, when you bought chicken, you had to buy whole ones. The sellers were not very nice if you just wanted to buy parts. At the vegetable stalls, items were bundled in large quantity, and the sellers didn't react too kindly when you asked them to break up their bundles. In fact, they punished you by charging high premium for that request. At the supermarket on the other hand, you paid the same rate even if you asked them to cut the cabbage in halves.

Five years ago, I moved to a condo just across the road from the Empress Road wet market. Friends told me that the wet market was famous to be patronized by the affluents and therefore the quality of the product must be excellent. I know many rich Tai Tais go there chauffeured in Jaguars and 7-series BMWs. Some people even claimed to have spotted Mrs Lee Kwan Yew once in a while (I for one don't believe this). Initially I shopped at the market to give it a try. During the few times I was there, my experience was pretty much the same as my experience in Bukit Timah Market. So after a few tries, I stopped going there.

This morning for the first time in more than 5 years, out of necessity, I shopped there. I was pleasantly surprised at the changes I found. The sellers were generally pleasant. I didn't feel like a helpless prey. Chickens are kept in a chiller and sold in parts just like at the supermarket. The vegetable feel cold to the touch. My request for small portion were entertained kindly. They still know that I am not local because of the way I speak. However, despite that, good personalized service was extended to me. There is hope for wet market after all.

Morbid Thoughts Revisited

I posted some morbid thoughts some time ago about having my funeral before I die. Lo and behold, somebody is doing it.

Turn out the idea of "living funeral" is not new. It can be found in a book called "Tuesday with Morrie" by Mitch Albom.

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

About Preachers

This post is prompted by this post by GI Jeffrey Siauw.

The quality of output by preachers sometimes belies common sense. One tends to expect that the higher the level of education and the longer the experience, the better the output quality should be. Sadly, my observations speak otherwise. This past year I have the rare opportunity to observe and evaluate for myself, how some preachers perform today compared to their younger days. I met many of these preachers 22-25 years ago and I didn't see them again until recently. Except for Dr Rahmiyati's, I found there is now lack of depth and thoroughness in their sermons compared to years ago. It left me with the feeling that there is a missing ingredients (sometimes lots of missing ingredients) and it could have been better prepared.

Some might say that 20+ years ago, my young mind was easily satisfied and maturity made me more critical. I have compared my opinion with some people of my youth days, and they concurred what I think. But of course they too have become more mature over the years. But the fact remains that I find them lacking now but not then.

Some might say that because of my years of exposure to excellent American preachers, my judgment is clouded. It's true that all the churches I attended in the past were pastored by highly educated and dynamic preachers who preach every Sunday. But I don't believe that the American pastors have spoiled it for Asian pastors as there happen to be Asian pastors whom I think are good preachers. Many of them are young and can not claim long years of experience. But their dedication to service is refreshing and it is clearly reflected in the quality of sermons they deliver.

It is a sad state of the affair. How is the quality of the pulpit to be maintained if the older and experienced ones do not provide good role models? How are the younger preachers to be motivated and inspired to improve if the one who should be their role models are slacking?

Face to Face

Recently, I have been hooking up with friends from primary school whom I have not seen since 1981. Some I can still recognize. Some I can't. We shared joke and warm greetings over facebook but I often wondered, what it will be like if we meet face to face? After all, with some, it has been almost 30 years. Back then, we have not even finished growing up yet.

The experience of reunion varied among my friends. Some found that warmth and friendliness over facebook does not translate into the same experience face to face. Meeting can be stilted, common interest difficult find, and the whole experience a disappointment.

I am not going to analyze the reason behind it. But I am reminded that one day I am going to experience a face to face reunion with my Lord. How is it going to be like? Can I stand his glory and holiness? Will we be like strangers? Or will there be recognition brought on by continued communion? What can I do today to make sure, that when I meet the Lord, there will be signs of mutual recognition?

I hope it will be as Sandy Patty describe it in this song.

Millionaire Pets

Have you ever heard a story of a pet who inherit millions of dollars while the benefactor's closest relative, sometimes the progeny, is only allowed to take salaries from the pet's millions as the pet caretakers? At the heart is that the pet is more precious than the human relatives, and that its preservation receives utmost priority.

Thank goodness that stories like the above are rare. However, there are other stories around us, or maybe even in our lives, where different kind of 'pet' is involved. The pet could take other forms but the fundamental elements of the story is the same. You have a person of power or wealth who has a 'pet.' His/her final wish is for the preservation of the 'pet' at any cost, even at the cost of hurting the feeling of the immediate family members, shattering their dreams, breaking their relationships, and undermining their aspirations.

These 'pets' often are something more worthy of one's dedication than mere animals. I am talking about businesses. Most Asian business owners desire that their children will step up to the plate and take over the business. This phenomena are found not only among businessmen of my parents' generation. In fact, business owners across generations are contemplating the same issue. Nowadays, it is going to be especially more difficult since families have fewer children. What if none of your children have that aspiration? Forcing your child to take over a business is not much different from forcing them to takeover the care of an unwanted pet.

What's wrong with selling the business and let your children follow their own dreams and chart their own courses? Forcing your children to do something that they are not interested in will end up hurting the business anyway. Think about it. The people forced to take care of your 'pet' might feed your precious one slowly with arsenic that it will die a slow and painful death. Isn't it better to leave your 'pet' with people who truly love the job and will work hard to ensure its longevity? In the right hand, your 'pet' might even be given a chance to multiply.

On being a parent - Part 2

Parents wish for a lot of good things for their children. Some of the things parents often inquire was how to have a creative child, how to develop child with a super brain, how to increase IQ. I am often asked of what I think of the Sichida method, the whole brain activation method, the middle brain development method, the MindChamp program, the Tony Buzan mind mapping program and many more. Questions like these came from Christians and non-Christians alike. While there is nothing wrong in wanting to develop one's child cognitive functioning, it is sad that it prevails over the need to inculcate important values. The sad truth is no one has ever asked me about how to have a child of strong faith, a child who has fear of the Lord in his/her heart, or what program are there to develop a child with characters such as integrity, honesty, compassion, generosity, and perseverance.

Well, nobody is asking, but this opinionated aunty will say something about it anyway.

The first and most important step is to have Jesus firmly enthroned in the child's heart. It is the one thing that has eternal values. What can one do as parents to ensure that one's children will come to accept Jesus as their savior and give his/her life to the Lord? Get on your knees and pray incessantly. When, where and how one become a Christian is not within any human's control. The timing is in God's hand. But praying for one's own child's salvation is one prayer that a Christian is justified to pray over and over again. After we pray, does that mean that we should just sit back relax and wait for God to take action? Absolutely not.

At the very least, children need to receive some form of Christian teachings. Making sure they attend Sunday school and other children program like AWANA (Approved Workmen Are Not Afraid) is good. However, our duty as parents does not rest there. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 says:

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

Essentially according to the verses above, we are first to have the word of God in our hearts. Then we are told to talk about the word of God with our children. Finally, and this is the most important, we are to 'wear' our belief in God (tie them up as symbols on your hands and ... foreheads), which I interpret as to model the behavior of a believer, so clearly that no one in our community (neighborhood and work place especially) will mistook us as unbelievers. Talk alone is nagging. Talking about the principles and modeling the behavior, together they are powerful parenting tools.

On being a parent - Part 1

Recently many people asked me how I did it. Did what? To be so relaxed when my son is sitting the Primary School Leaving Exam (PSLE). It is the norm in Singapore, that when the children are having exams, not to mention major exam like the PSLE, the parents will go on exam mode as well. Singapore parents are known to halt activities, including taking annual leave from work, to stay at home and coach their children prior and during exam week. When I am asked that question, my standard answer was that my children are generally self-motivated and self-directed in their studies and that my expectation of them is simple: for them to do their best. I always tell my children that they are the only ones who will reap the benefit from academic success. Therefore, it's up to them to set their own goals and decide how well they want to be.

After pondering about my standard answer, I realized I did not really provide useful answer. How to get children to be self-motivated and self-directed? There are several ways parents can instill self-motivation and self-direction. The topic has been covered by numerous parenting books. However there is one area that parenting books often do not mention and its the area of faith in God. By faith in God, I don't mean going to Sunday School every Sunday, or being able to say prayers before meal or before bed time. I am talking about the ABC of faith: admit you are a sinner, believe that Jesus paid the price of sin for you, and confess to others about what you believe. A child who knows that Jesus suffered on the cross to save him/her will take life seriously. My children made personal commitment to follow Jesus at an early age: Daniel was 4 and Natasha was 7. Knowing that there is a Father who loves them more than their parents can, who are constantly watching over them, and who always have their best interest in mind cause several things to happen. First, they know that they have been redeemed at a high price and their life is no longer their own, or their parents', but God's. Second, when their parents fail them (let's face it, nobody can be a perfect parent), they have the assurance that they have another Father who is perfect and will never disappoint them. Third, no matter what level learning aptitude God has given them, they know that God has a unique purpose for each one of them. And this knowledge will boost up self-image, comfort those who have special need, and instill grateful hearts to the intelligent ones. My children are not perfect. The sanctification process is ongoing. They are of above average intelligent and need to be constantly reminded that "from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted much, much more will be asked" (Luke 12:48).

That said, does having faith in God guarantee A* s achievements? What a child can achieve is limited to his/her learning aptitude. You can stretch achievements to a certain extent. But having faith in God motivate them to do their best

Charming

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
(Proverbs 31:30).

In life, things are not always pleasant. A charming person is one who can sugar coat unpleasantness and smooth things over. "Extremely pleasing"-that's the definition given by Merriam-Webster. Can one be charming without being deceptive? Is there a way to always say the pleasant things with sincerity?

By my observations, there are different types of "charming" individuals. The first one are the entrepreneurs. They are charming with the purpose to gain a business. Entrepreneurs have amazing capabilities to be charming especially to their customers to the point of telling blatant lies. Often, they are so used to operate in this fashion that even in their non-business life, they also operate this way. The second one are those who charm to gain popularity. Politicians are classic examples. These people prize the good opinions of others. They want to be seen as nice, friendly, agreeable and easy going. Finally, there are those who balance charming words and edifying words. These people are usually highly principled and uncompromising but also are genuinely interested in others. You see to be a charming individual one have to show interest in others' well being.

Because of my upbringing, I used to be suspicious of charming people until I encountered one charming person, Lana Packer, a pastor's wife. I was suspicious of her at first. But overtime, I found no evidence of deceit in her charms. You see beside showing genuine interest in others and gentle with her words, Lana never fails to deliver edifying words when opportunity presents itself and she does it in non-judgmental ways. Her tone of voice indicates high expectation in others and belief that people are capable of achieving Christian ideals. I consider myself blessed that our paths crossed briefly. Because of her, I now choose to believe that charming people especially Christians, are sincere until I can prove otherwise.

So, is charm deceptive? Yes, charm is deceptive when principles are allowed to be compromised and and edifying words are withheld.

The Mental Helath Professionals

Every professional should do his/her due diligence so as not to do any disservice to the people they are serving. If you are a financial adviser, you should know your financial products down to the fine prints so that you can explain fully the risk factors of the products to the people who are going to hand over their money to you. If you are a doctor, you should know the latest and proven methods for accurate diagnosis and effective treatment to ensure that your patients' well being is not put in jeopardy. If you are a teacher, you are to do your due diligence to ensure that you are not imparting the wrong value, giving inaccurate information or delivering materials that are too easy and not challenging to your students. If you are a defense lawyer, you are to present the strongest defense possible so that you clients, who might be either innocent or guilty, are given the due process of justice.

The mental health professionals do not escape this scrutiny. The standard code of ethics call for psychologists to not cause harm, and to ensure that clients benefit from our services. One way to ensure these are met is to use only scientifically proven treatment methods. This is the heart of the matter. Acquiring information on scientifically proven methods basically involved reading of journal articles to keep abreast with the latest development. In the clinical setting I was attached to, the psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and specialist teachers get together once a week to share journal articles pertaining to their fields. However, employing the appropriate and proven treatment method is one thing, maintaining fidelity of treatment during service delivery is another thing. It requires conscientiousness and meticulousness in the part of the professionals. Extensive preparation is needed so that the 50 minutes you are charging your clients are not wasted.

I have been observing the graduate students in my programme. The programme is leading toward certified practice. The students in the programme are supposed to be "The Elect" few. I was told that out of more than 400 qualified applicants to the programme, only 100 were carefully interviewed by fellow psychologists. The interviews were supposed to weed out "unsuitable candidates" whatever that means. And out of the 100, only 20 were selected. To fully prepare oneself to be an effective mental health professional, I found reading the required texts was not enough. Sadly, I observed, the future psychologists I encountered, were not diligently equipping themselves to be good practitioners. If they are not conscientious during training, what level of conscientiousness can you expect after the certificates are in hands?

Prayer Request

This issue has been on my mind for quite some time especially now that GKY Singapore has started a bi-monthly prayer meeting. At issue is how to prevent the floor for individual prayer request from becoming into a gossip proliferation event. This is how I observed it happened. In the past cell-group meetings (not in GKY), whenever the floor was open for prayer request submission, quite a number of the prayer requests mentioned were not by the first person. For example, someone will say, "Please pray for our friend ... so and so, who is struggling with ... this and that." It was not always clear whether this was mentioned in the cell-group at the individual's request. I also observed, there were people who habitually mention such second hand prayer requests, but rarely brought up personal ones. In my opinion, individual prayer request forum should be opened with clear guidelines so that it will not turn into a sanctioned gossiping in the name of praying for one another.

Dawn Waking

"He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-3)

I was reminded of this experience with both my children when they were between 2 to 3 years old. Occasionally, especially when the child was getting new teeth, the discomfort would wake the child up at dawn. What to do when it's 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, you desperately need your sleep and your toddler are standing by your bed with a blanket in hand? The experts say that you should walk the child to his/her bedroom and firmly tell the child to go back to sleep. I found following this advice would generate resistance and prevent you from resuming your sleep because he/she will just walk back to your bedroom and wake you up again. What the child want is a comforting embrace from the parents. By inviting the child to crawl into the bed and hold the child, both parent and child resume sleep faster.

I have woken up at 4 o'clock in the morning almost every night lately and couldn't get back to sleep. My personal worries came swirling around. I worry about a lot of things especially my research project and my family.

What to do? Naturally, as a Christian, I use these times, when sleep will not come, to pray. However, the thing that really helps me to get back to sleep is the mental imagery of myself crawling into God's embrace like a small child and find comfort there. I am truly grateful for a heavenly Father who is able to take care of my needs. I am also humbled by this privilege to come to Him with any little silly things that cause me to worry unnecessarily.

Jaywalking

Jaywalking in the school zone should be banned because it sets a very bad example and it endangers the children who witness it. It will undo all the efforts that the school are doing by bringing children to the Road Safety Park to learn safety on the road. That said, the traffic police should impose a stiff fine to people who jaywalk anywhere within 100 meters of a primary school. Enforcement should also be increased and if necessary school staffs should be roped in to police the intersections near schools.

Nostalgia

Every newly wed should have a first year together like ours. Two weeks after our wedding, we moved to a new town where we knew nobody and it was located on the other side of the earth far from where all our families and friends were. The transplant to a new place gave us space to adjust to live together without much interference from our original family and non-mutual friends. There, we were known as "Stefanus and Fitri" instead of "Stefanus and his wife" or "Fitri and her hubby." We had an excellent beginning 17 years ago. It helped of course that we spent it in one of the most beautiful towns in the world and met the people who become our life-long friends.

Borderline IQ and Domestic Workers

What does it mean to be of borderline IQ? Borderline is lower than below average, but higher than mental retardation. Not all, but many domestic workers in Indonesia are of this level of intellectual ability. To learn a new skill, people with borderline IQ require explicit teaching with many repetitions and example in different settings for the skill to be permanently in place. They usually have poor memory retention ability and have poor habits of the mind. (Click here for 16 Habits of Mind)

What happen when domestic workers with borderline IQ are exported to a country where the language is not familiar to them and there are a lot of things they need to learn to do and operate? Some become depressed and vent out their frustration onto their young charges. Some just trudge along, frustrate their employers, and bore the brunt of the employers' frustration. As a result, incidents of child abuse by maids and abuse to maids by employers happen on a regular basis in Singapore.

What are we to do? If you are an employer, know your maid's limitation and try to bear that in mind when you are assigning responsibilities or teaching her new skills. Here are some tips:

1. Provide step by step instruction in pictures, symbols, or diagram instead of words.
2. Break down complex task into smaller tasks and provide A-B-C and 1-2-3 chart for tasks that require certain sequence.
3. Prepare weekly and daily tasks time table.
   
4. For important tasks, provide picture or symbolic reminders.

Demise of a Muse

On one corner of my table, there is a small pile of newspaper clippings. I clipped those articles because I either wanted to write a comment to the columnist or in this blog. They became reminders of how little blogging/writing I have done in the past month. Well, I have not lost interest in those topics but the urgency to write has disappeared. I guess they will have to remain not verbalized and buried at the back of my mind and go through the slow process of demise.

I always tell my children and my husband to wait a few weeks whenever they say they are dying to buy a certain item. After 3 weeks, if the urgency to buy is still present, then we will make the purchase. Most of the time, especially with items my children demanded, the sense of need dissipated considerably. Sometimes by then they have another items they think they can't live without.

I wonder, what is the value of one's ideas or opinions if they lose their flavors after a few weeks? For some people it's the opportunity to share and enlighten others. For others it is to maintain its readers in rapt attention. For me, its a historical account of my muses which I would like to see again and again in the future.

That said, may be I will keep the clippings for now and hope to find the time to turn it over again in my head.

Gap Year

In Strait Times today, there is an article on young adults taking a gap year. A gap year is a year of break from school that high school graduates take before entering colleges/universities. It is an Australian/New Zealand tradition which can trace its history to the old English tradition. It is customary for well to do English young men to have a "Great European" tour-a trip around the continent Europe that can last between 9 to 12 months. Today, however, the Australians and New Zealanders, took gap year to travel and finance their travel by working part time where they travel.

Gap year are gaining popularity among the young in Singapore. It is mainly the privilege of only a few who have well to do parents to finance the venture. One girl is getting a $100,000 loan to start a small business. Another travel overseas under the banner of volunteer works -parents bear most of the travel expenses. As one girl who did not take a gap year puts it, gap year usually "zapped" the parents' retirement funds.

What's the rationale? Was it really to facilitate better self awareness and allow time for the young involved to shape up their future? Or is it more of a break from any cognitive and mental activities after a grueling 12 years of formal education?

In my opinion, if your child is the type who cannot bear the thought of another year of schooling after their 18th birthday, a gap year will just break the momentum of learning. If your child is not sure about what they want to do with their future, maybe a gap year, in which they are exposed to the adult working world, is a good idea. Otherwise it will just be a big drain off your retirement fund. As for my children, I've made it clear to them that after they turn 18, if they are not in school or serving National Service, they will have to pay room and board to live under my roof.

Travelling light

I once aspired to be a turtle: to have so little 'stuff'' that I'd be able to carry all my belongings on my back. How did I come to be the owner of so many things?

I have a lot of 'good stuff' that I can't bear to throw away or give away. Many of these 'good stuff' are classic books that have shaped my mind and influenced the way I think. They have mostly been sitting in a storage space for the past 11 years. It's paper are turning yellow some are already brownish.

Then, there are stuffs that have sentimental values, such as old photos, love letters, and diaries. The digital age actually made my 'turtle aspiration' a possibility. Many books are available in electronic form. I have completed the digitization of the precious baby photos. Still to be digitized are old letters, diaries, and pre-baby photos. One external hard drive would suffice to contain all that. And all these, if I choose to post it on internet sites like flickr, blogspot or personal website, I don't even have to have a memory device.

I sometime imagine, if i can only bring a small carry-on-full of 'stuff'' and leave the rest behind without hope of getting it back, what will I choose to bring? I would pack my hard drive, some of my most comfortable clothes, my hand phone with all my recent contacts, my little 22-year-old address book with my old c0ntacts, and of course the important document folder.

Free Speech and Innocent Until Proven Guilty

James Von Brunn had a long history of hateful writing, but he had not committed a crime according to US laws until now. He has been in the radar of the FBI for a long time. But because of the freedom of speech guaranteed by the US constitution, he was never prosecuted. This past week, this 88 year old man went into the the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. with murder in mind.

In Singapore, posting hateful and racist rants on the internet is a punishable crime. Many had been prosecuted for posting hateful racist writings. If Von Brunn were a Singaporean, he would have been dealt with a long time ago. Racist attitude is not tolerated in Singapore, and the government takes it very seriously. In this regard, I believe, the Singapore government gets it right.

Staycation

The idea of staycation was mentioned in the Strait Times. The idea is to stay in town but do things as though you are on vacation. So you check yourself into a hotel, and visit the tourist hot spots, shop, take pictures and eat out. I always wonder why one would want to do that. Some of my friends have done it, and they found that it's a cheap and quick way to have a vacation. Is a vacation just that? Staying away from your home base? I am the kind of people so attached to my home that if I can drive back so I can sleep in my own bed, in my own bedroom, use my own bathroom, I'd do it. In fact, when going on vacation, I don't mind bringing my own home if I can. As long as all four of us are doing things together and concentrating on one another, then I consider the objective of a family vacation is accomplished.

I can think of a couple of reasons why one would consider a staycation:

1. The home has fallen under long period of neglect that you just can't wait to get away from it. It is sad when you can't find rest, peace and comfort in your own home.
   
2. You are living with people that you need to get away from. This is the toughest situation. Many people live with their in-laws and things do not always work out. Instead of a place of refuge, the home become a place you dreaded going back to and can't wait to get away from.

If these are the mitigating circumstances, then I understand. As for me and my family, every time we came home from a vacation, its always "Home Sweet Home" instead of "Back to Reality," leaving behind a five-star resort not withstanding. I thank God for that.

With the Right Attitude

In one of my old post, I wrote about how people engaged in self-pity by way of sharing his or her life struggles. I have a friend who is currently fighting breast cancer. She shares her struggle in this blog. Her entry on 25th May gives me a new perspective. She said that by trying to hide her cancer, she actually missed out on opportunity to receive encouragements or to encourage others. And if you read her blog entries, you don't sense any self pity on her part. I guess one's attitude in sharing is important. Before we unveil ourselves, we really need to ask, what will be accomplished by sharing? Will it strengthen ourselves and others? Or will it just derive pity for us or draw everyone's attention to us?

Priority or Optional

This was on a friend's status line: "People said don't make someone your priority, when they only make you an option." Sigh... I have plenty of experience being an "option."

My husband and I open our house for Christmas luncheon every other year. One year we host, another year we accept invitation. We don't have a regular people attending our luncheon. When the answer to an invite, either acceptance or refusal, was delayed, I know that we are just an option. People who take their sweet time to give "yes, we can come" or "no, we can't come" usually want to wait around for a better option. You are called "cadangan" in Indonesian. Essentially, they are saying, they don't have prior engagement, but they are hoping to get a better invitation and keep their option open. They will accept your invitation if the better option did not turn up.

It is saddest whe family treat each other in this manner. Family should give priority to one another even when it is not convenient to do so.

It Takes a Village

An African proverb says, "It takes an entire village to raise a child." Today, on Mothers' Day, I thank God for to my village. It is not easy raising your child away from your family. But God has placed people to be my surrogate family. My village, here it is.

1. Lilies Leksono and Katrin Tobing, they are the ones I called for advice on diaper rash, breast-feeding, and other infant care issues. I wouldn't survive the first year of motherhood without them.
   
2. Marianne Engel, Jill Wedlake, Harriet Moskovit, Liza Miller. These ladies and many more from Boulder First Presbyterian Church are the ones who rejoiced with me at the news of my first pregnancy. They also help put together the most wonderful baby hamper filled with everything a first mum needs.
3. Monna Stirling, Marcia Elliott, Gati Hutapea, for putting up with baby noises during our bible studies.
   
4. The ladies at Margate (Florida) First Presbyterian Church's baby sitting co-op. They are source of reliable baby-sitter and they helped me look after Natasha when I had to go for pre-natal check up during my pregnancy with Daniel.
5. The ladies at Sunrise cell group, Sophia Gan, Lucy Liew, Kathryn Ho, Cara, Susie Ho, Nany Gotze, Angela Chan and many others. We shared, we prayed, and we rejoiced together as mothers.
6. The countless members of IBC family, from Sunday School teachers, AWANA leaders, VBS volunteers, they played an important role in my children's spiritual upbringing. Even now that I am no longer there, they keep an eye on them for me.
   

I feel truly blessed to have these mothers by my side to share the ups and downs of motherhood.

Personal Mission Statement

Many organizations have a mission statement. How about individuals? Shouldn't we have one too? I was challenged to come up with one by a professor recently. She said, your mission statement has to be something so important and relevant to you that when you are held at a gun point, you can still remember it and it still applies. That's a good starting point. I asked myself, if someone held me at a gun point, what would I think about?

While it's not too difficult to come up with a mission statement. The most difficult part is to live one's live, day in and day out towards fulfilling that mission statement. Other people put demands on you and your time until, what's the most important get to be pushed aside. Sometimes, people's expectation and your own desire to do the "expected" things gets in the way.

If I were held at a gun point and facing imminent death, what will I regret most? While I will delight in leaving this world to be with the Lord sooner than expected, without a second thought, I will regret missing the opportunity to continue to guide my children into adulthood, and to grow old together with my husband. It may sound like a cliche, but these three people are the ones God entrusted me with. I believe someday, when I stand in the presence of God, I will be asked to account for what I did with them. Therefore, when and only when I have done right by them, that I, with good conscience, can give my time and energy to other noble activities like serving the church community or other civil organization like AWARE.

The question I ask every day now is, how does what I am doing today fit in with my personal mission. Will choosing to do something means I am pushing aside my life's mission? Recently, on Good Friday, I filled out a commitment card in this manner: I commit myself to stay true to my life mission which are: to bring up Godly children, to be a good help-mate, and to build a strong family. To my friend Peggy, this is why I cannot support you in AWARE.

Do-s and Don'ts if you are a servant

Several things that annoys me about domestic helpers:

1. In the kitchen, they don't put away kitchen utensils according to my arrangements.
   
2. When they dust, they would rearrange my display of knick-knacks according to their taste.
3. They don't seem to know when their presence is needed or and when they need to be less ubiquitous.
4. They often forgot that they are not the parent to their charges. They often acts as if they are the parents and make decisions without consulting the parents. Worse yet, they do things against the parents' wishes.
5. They mistakenly covet the child's adoration and devotion. They should have taught the child to direct devotion and adoration rightfully to the parents.

If you think I am venting out my own frustration, you are all mistaken. I currently don't have any problem with domestic help as I haven't had a live-in one in the past 10 years. I am talking about Christians who are basically servants in the the house of the Lord. What kind of servant are we?

1. Do we do the bidding of our Lord according to his will? Or do we at times choose to circumvent his will and do things according to our agenda?
   
2. Do we use the church as a platform for our own power trip? Have we become so ubiquitous in the church while the Master recedes in the background or other servants feel so inept and incompetent?
3. A the conclusion of a service project, who is the subject of the people's adoration? The Master we are serving, or us, the servant?
   

Some Morbid Thoughts

Thought of death was never far from my mind. Mostly I thought about how I would feel leaving behind the people I love, and also how I would feel meeting my God face to face.

Two years ago, my father-in-law passed away. It's interesting how death in the family brings people together. Relatives from all over the country came to pay their respect. Many of them had to take leave from work. Some left their businesses in the hands of assistants. Because of the death, I got to see relatives I haven't seen in more than 10 years. Some reluctantly let this interrupted their lives. Some genuinely came to be with us and offered supports. Friends of the family and of my father-in-law also came to the wake to offer condolences and to say good bye. Some did not come. The deceased's family were put on display. People were curious to see their old friend's offsprings.

Then there was the process of disposing the body. There was the newspaper obituary which cost Rp 8 millions (Sing$ 1,200). We bought a Rp 15 millions (Sing$ 2,500) casket with a glass top to house the body during the 3-day wake. On the day before the cremation, a casket decorator came to put fresh flowers and angels on top. The cost of the mid-range package for the flowers and dolls was Rp 2.5 millions (Sing $400). All of these were burnt the next day. Friends sent flowers and banners to express their condolences. We spent a total of Rp 50 millions (Sing$9,000) for the process which ended with the family and closest relatives taking a boat ride off the Java Sea to dispose of the ashes.

When an old person dies, how the children do the last rites is often associated with their sense of filial piety. The more filial the children are, the more lavish the spending.

I feel this is all absurd. If I were to die soon because of terminal illness or when I have reached the age of 80, I probably would want to have my last rites performed while I can still experience it. I will probably put up an impending death announcement that says:

"Will rest in peace in the near future, Fitriani (Aged 80). She will be hosting a dinner at the ... (restaurant) on ..... (date) to say good bye to her friends and families. No wake will be held in the event of her death. The family she will leave behind include .... P.S.: Gifts of flowers/wreaths are highly appreciated; however, cash donation will be donated to a designated church."

I want to see which of my old friends still remember me and curious about me. I want to be able to enjoy the $400 fresh flowers and the other flowers my friends will send me.

And when in the end I die, I will donate my body to the School of Medicine. My children will be relieved of all last rites duties. Nobody's lives will be interrupted because I die.

I know it's morbid. Absolutely morbid.

Manual Not Included

This thing should come with user/owner manual. But it never did. What am I talking about? I am talking about children. New parents often are ill prepared. Sure, we are prepared to take care of the babies' physical needs from feeding, cleaning, and bathing. But how many of us are prepared to nurture the emotional need of a toddler, a preschooler, a school-age kids, a tweeny, and a teen?

I am a manual lover. When I buy a household appliances, I usually will read the whole manual so I know how to operate it properly. I am one of those parents who read "What To Expect While Expecting," "What to Expect the First Year," and "What to Expect the Toddlers' Years" books. I also read almost all parenting books by James Dobson, and Dr Spock. Despite being well read, by the time my children were 8 and 9, I realized what I read didn't prepare me completely. I still felt inept as a parent. Then I took 2 bible studies on parenting.

Being a parent is a highly dynamic experience. You are constantly on a learning journey and what you learned may not be applicable for the next phase because your children are growing and evolving. What are parents to do then?

Well, first of all, we need to be reminded that our children are not our possessions or tools to be used to serve our need. They are something that God lend us temporarily. We are to take a good care of them and not to spoil them. They are first and for most God's, and ours for the time being. God loves them more than we can and he has a purpose for our children's lives.

It turn out the bible has a lot of verses that can guide parents:

Deuteronomy 4:9-10 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Horeb, when he said to me, “Assemble the people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long as they live in the land and may teach them to their children.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Here are the two guiding principle: we are to teach and discipline our children in the way of the Lord while at the same time be mindful not to embitter them and make them angry or discouraged. Sadly, the highly competitive world of our time, often turns parents into slave drivers who demand achievements and performances beyond what a child is capable of. Bible verses on disciplines are often misused. This often generates emotional, behavioral and relationship problems.

Sometimes I wonder, if to operate a car one needs a license, shouldn't being a parents be a license-controlled endeavor? Often a parent is sent to a parenting class only after the damaged is done and often the class is not sufficient enough in teaching how to undo the damage. Sigh ...

By Invitation Only

To serve God in His church is a priviledge. It is such a priviledge opportunity that it should be strictly by invitation only. But whose invitation? God's invitation of course!!! However, in many churches, especially Chinese churches in Indonesia, the invitation to serve often does not come first from God, but from a handful of people who are already within the church organization. It is after being invited by a mere human, people will then start to contemplate to serve. The practice I believe undermines the powerful work of the holy spirit. There seem to be no avenue for less well connected Christians to answer God's calling to serve in the church while on the other hand, some individuals are installed in certain positions for life as it seems. Opportunity to serve, therefore is limmited to how good is your networking in the church first and foremost, instead of genuine calling from God.

I would like to see, one of these days, open invitation to the whole congregation be issued so that an unknown individuals who are called by God, can nominate oneself or be nominated by another, for leadership positions or any other positions, and go through the complete vetting process. Of course this process is highly complicated and churches need to have a clearly defined, objective and most importantly biblical selection process. This, I realise, is also a risky endeavour as current church officials may have the balance of their working chemistry tipped to another side. I believe predictability is not God's design for His church. God wants us to have faith in Him in whatever situation He chose to bring our way. I believe it is time to hand over the control of the church back into God's hand. And one way to do it, to let God work freely in choosing His workers.

To serve is by invitation only: God's invitation.

Chivalry in Singapore Men

There is yet another reason I found why Chinese Singaporean men are not appealing to the local women folks: lack of chivalry. What is chivalry? Chivalrous conduct according to the Merriam Webster dictionary is " marked by gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration especially to women." This is severely lacking in Chinese Singaporean men of all ages. Here is my weekly experience.

Once a week I go to the supermarket at Dawson Place. To access the car park, you have to take the elevator. In front of the elevators are benches usually occupied by men/women taking a rest. These people are usually middle aged and Chinese. Now if you know Singapore, you know that the isles in the supermarkets are very narrow, so most of the time, I use a basket instead of a shopping cart. Often I will have 5 plastic bags of groceries in each hand at the end of my shopping trip. At the elevator, I sometime has problem pressing the lift button without putting down all five bags.

From the glass on the lift doors, I can tell that the men sitting on the bench noticed my predicament and enjoying themselves at my expense. In the US, when a man sees a woman heavy laden with groceries, they will offer assistance. At the least they will help me press the button.

I witness the most un-chivalrous behavior last week. I was once again heavy laden with groceries. I was not 5/6 steps from the lift. A young man in office garb was in the lift already, so I asked him to wait and quicken my step. I notice the man was pressing a button in the lift repeatedly. One would assume that he was pressing the "door open" button. I almost did not make it. When I entered the lift, I noticed, his index finger was on the "door-close" button. He had no intention to wait for me. How unchivalrous.

How about the Malay and Tamil/Indian men of Singapore? My account is limited to my experience with taxi drivers of all race groups. My children was 4 and 2 at the time. I did grocery shopping also once a week. Usually, I would safely deposit my two little ones in the lift lobby with my 4-year-old holding on to my 2-year-old who was prone to run off. Then I would start to get the bags from the trunk of the taxi. A Malay or Tamil/Indian driver never fail, I repeat, never fail to get out of his seat and help me bring in the bags into the lift lobby. But a Chinese taxi driver, most of the time, will remain in the air-conditioned car and left the unloading to myself.

Grooming One's Daughter

This post is especially for those with daughters who are coming of age soon. Are you grooming your daughter? For what purpose?

I often see young girls about 16+ years old wearing branded items from head to toe and wonder, what the mother is thinking? What would happen if the girl can't afford those branded goods on her own when she left home. Well today I found out the reason: to position the girl well in the married mart. The idea is, if you groom her to look expensive, the poor chap will be scared off, and the rich chap will find her suitable. The idea is so Victorian but it is still being practiced among the creme de la creme of society, especially among Chinese Indonesian.

It makes me sick especially when the extensive extrinsic grooming is not balance with equally intensive intrinsic grooming. What you end up with is a self-centered and well-groomed future Tai Tais who baulk at hardship and bring misery to those who cross their paths. Is it not more important to groom our girls to be a woman of strong faith, loving character and firm integrity, who can stand strong even in the midst of hardship?

Pet Peeves: Left Behind

If I kept all the items my guests left behind, I could open a shop. Over the years, overnight guests have come and go. Often, they bought too many stuff, they had to leave behind some personal items. Some will say, later when so and so come, ask her/him to bring along. That so and so come and they too have too many item to bring home. The items left behind are usually old pajamas, old boxer shorts, thong slipper (sandal jepit) or other old footwear, bottles of shampoo, foam, hair-spray, leftover food, T-shirt, magazines, newspaper, old towels, local coins (1 cents and 5 cents), receipts of their purchases and the packaging, and many more.

Most will just leave their unwanted items without further instruction. Some have the audacity to ask me to keep them so that on the next visit, they don't need to bring the items again. In space scarce Singapore homes, do we need other people unwanted items to look after? No matter what they say, the truth is those items are left behind because they are not as wanted as the ones brought home. What were they thinking? Do my guests actually believe that I will gleefully look at the "loot" and say, "Goodie, half a bottle of Pantene, hmmmm ... half a carton of juice, oo0h... oo0h... cold hard coins, hair-spray ... yipeee, sandal jepit... hooraaaay?" Sigh ...

Simple Gift by Elder Joseph Brackett

During this economic melt-down, are you afraid to down grade?  Will you lose face if you don't have that latest branded handbag or shoes?  Or will you be embarrassaed to move from a condo to an HDB flat.  I once read an article about a young man who everyday would remove his HDB season parking ticket before he leaves the HDB car park for fear of being found out that he has downgraded to an HDB flat.

The lyrics of "Simple Gift" is as follows:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

This song from the Shakers community has been a strong influence and it has proven time after time to save me from a lot of potential trouble in life. When you learn the art of simplicity, no matter what life throw you, you are still on a firm ground. You will not feel the ground disappearing from under you.

What does it mean to be simple and free? My interpretation of the song may be different from the Shakers', but basically to me it means to simply be your authentic self without any pretense or trappings that are not congruent with your true self.  Unfortunately, we live in a noisy world where ideas of who one should be are often defined by the media.  

Racial Harmony

Is racial harmony alive and well in Singapore? I should say yes, on the surface at least. For instance, today while standing on line at the grocery store, Chinese New Year song was piped in. Behind me was an Indian man. He was humming the familiar Chinese New Year song and even sang "Gongxi gongxi gongxi ni ya" sometimes. I don't detect any cynicism or contempt in his tone or facial expression. He is genuinely participating in the festive mood even though he is from the minority group.

Beneath the surface, I think it varies from one person to another. Some Singaporeans are truly enlightened and their interaction with others transcend beyond racial lines. Some, sadly, still harbor deeply entrenched prejudice.

Pramoedya Ananta Toer

I picked up this book from the library out of whim. I did not expect to like it at all. Surprise, surprise. The book is translated into English surprisingly without losing much of its essence. Kudos to the translator. I would say Pramoedya Ananta Toer is right up there with John Steinbeck and Leo Tolstoy. The way Pram described humanity and life is just amazing. His books are must read for students of Indonesian Studies.

Another author I want my children to read someday.

To Love, Honor and Cherish

For a long time now, it perplexed me that many men of Singapore marry mail order brides from countries like China, Vietnam, and Myanmar instead of the local girls. The reason they give is because these foreign bride are simple women with simple needs, unlike local women whose demands are complex. What does that mean? Today, I can finally come to an understanding.

In a scene of a Chinese drama series my daughter like to watch, a Singaporean man was promising his Vietnamese bride that he will take good care of her, and that she will want nothing in the future. It struck me that the promise to take a good care is quite the standard wedding promise in Asian media. This, I believe, is also one of the contributing factors to the disengage between Singaporean men and women.

Singaporean women are known to be capable bunch and need no man to take care of them. In fact, the truth is, because they have a two-year head start to the men who has to serve national service, the women of Singapore are better off economically. They don't look to be taken care of. Instead, when they marry, they look to be loved, honored, and cherished. Although, I believe providing for her is part and parcel of to love, honor and cherish, it falls short somehow if it just stops there.

I am sure not all Singapore men are that inept in the romance department. Some Singapore men has the capacity to love, honor and cherish their women. However, if the media continue to portray the men as merely good providers, the women will continue to doubt their capacity and go for the ang mohs whom Hollywood successfully portrays as the more capable to cherish them.