Some Morbid Thoughts

Thought of death was never far from my mind. Mostly I thought about how I would feel leaving behind the people I love, and also how I would feel meeting my God face to face.

Two years ago, my father-in-law passed away. It's interesting how death in the family brings people together. Relatives from all over the country came to pay their respect. Many of them had to take leave from work. Some left their businesses in the hands of assistants. Because of the death, I got to see relatives I haven't seen in more than 10 years. Some reluctantly let this interrupted their lives. Some genuinely came to be with us and offered supports. Friends of the family and of my father-in-law also came to the wake to offer condolences and to say good bye. Some did not come. The deceased's family were put on display. People were curious to see their old friend's offsprings.

Then there was the process of disposing the body. There was the newspaper obituary which cost Rp 8 millions (Sing$ 1,200). We bought a Rp 15 millions (Sing$ 2,500) casket with a glass top to house the body during the 3-day wake. On the day before the cremation, a casket decorator came to put fresh flowers and angels on top. The cost of the mid-range package for the flowers and dolls was Rp 2.5 millions (Sing $400). All of these were burnt the next day. Friends sent flowers and banners to express their condolences. We spent a total of Rp 50 millions (Sing$9,000) for the process which ended with the family and closest relatives taking a boat ride off the Java Sea to dispose of the ashes.

When an old person dies, how the children do the last rites is often associated with their sense of filial piety. The more filial the children are, the more lavish the spending.

I feel this is all absurd. If I were to die soon because of terminal illness or when I have reached the age of 80, I probably would want to have my last rites performed while I can still experience it. I will probably put up an impending death announcement that says:

"Will rest in peace in the near future, Fitriani (Aged 80). She will be hosting a dinner at the ... (restaurant) on ..... (date) to say good bye to her friends and families. No wake will be held in the event of her death. The family she will leave behind include .... P.S.: Gifts of flowers/wreaths are highly appreciated; however, cash donation will be donated to a designated church."

I want to see which of my old friends still remember me and curious about me. I want to be able to enjoy the $400 fresh flowers and the other flowers my friends will send me.

And when in the end I die, I will donate my body to the School of Medicine. My children will be relieved of all last rites duties. Nobody's lives will be interrupted because I die.

I know it's morbid. Absolutely morbid.

Manual Not Included

This thing should come with user/owner manual. But it never did. What am I talking about? I am talking about children. New parents often are ill prepared. Sure, we are prepared to take care of the babies' physical needs from feeding, cleaning, and bathing. But how many of us are prepared to nurture the emotional need of a toddler, a preschooler, a school-age kids, a tweeny, and a teen?

I am a manual lover. When I buy a household appliances, I usually will read the whole manual so I know how to operate it properly. I am one of those parents who read "What To Expect While Expecting," "What to Expect the First Year," and "What to Expect the Toddlers' Years" books. I also read almost all parenting books by James Dobson, and Dr Spock. Despite being well read, by the time my children were 8 and 9, I realized what I read didn't prepare me completely. I still felt inept as a parent. Then I took 2 bible studies on parenting.

Being a parent is a highly dynamic experience. You are constantly on a learning journey and what you learned may not be applicable for the next phase because your children are growing and evolving. What are parents to do then?

Well, first of all, we need to be reminded that our children are not our possessions or tools to be used to serve our need. They are something that God lend us temporarily. We are to take a good care of them and not to spoil them. They are first and for most God's, and ours for the time being. God loves them more than we can and he has a purpose for our children's lives.

It turn out the bible has a lot of verses that can guide parents:

Deuteronomy 4:9-10 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Horeb, when he said to me, “Assemble the people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long as they live in the land and may teach them to their children.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Here are the two guiding principle: we are to teach and discipline our children in the way of the Lord while at the same time be mindful not to embitter them and make them angry or discouraged. Sadly, the highly competitive world of our time, often turns parents into slave drivers who demand achievements and performances beyond what a child is capable of. Bible verses on disciplines are often misused. This often generates emotional, behavioral and relationship problems.

Sometimes I wonder, if to operate a car one needs a license, shouldn't being a parents be a license-controlled endeavor? Often a parent is sent to a parenting class only after the damaged is done and often the class is not sufficient enough in teaching how to undo the damage. Sigh ...