Facing the Giants-1

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

God has deemed it necessary, in order to make me more "mature and complete," to throw in a test in my life. Cancer itself is not the test, but it ushers me into it.

Having cancer changes your life. It may sound like a cliche, but it's true. The change can go both ways. There are many who testified of turning a new leaf after cancer. From a self-centered and reckless lifestyle, these people turned themselves around and basically grow up. But I also know of an older woman who was a devoted mother and wife, full of patience and self-sacrifice pre-cancer. Post-cancer, she changed. She was angry and disappointed that during her ordeal, her children and husband was lacking in the way they cared for her. This paragon of a mother turned her back on her family, left her husband, and live for herself. She became so self-centered beyond her family's comprehension. How has cancer changed my life?

One area that has always been a struggle for me is patience. I am not good in waiting, especially for people. During the earlier days of cancer, whenever I became impatience and my family say, "What's the rush?", the temptation was strong to just retort in anger "I shouldn't be made to wait. I have cancer after all. I probably won't live as long as I thought I would."

Doctors said that with my current treatment, there is only 10% chance that it will return. But the medication I am taking is putting me at a slightly increased risk of developing another type of cancer, ovarian cancer. I am doing all I can to repress those thoughts but there are moments when it rears its ugly head. This fear of recurrence become an ugly giant in my life. This fear could cause me to be depressed, short-tempered, full of resentments, self-centered, manipulative, self-serving, and many more. This is the test God is putting me through to make me "mature and complete." I have to continue live my life, long or short it may be, the same way I did pre-cancer, if not for the better, putting God and others first, and myself last, in spite of the looming fear.

Next week marked the end of 5 and a half weeks of radiation. As I lay down on the radiation table every day, I take comfort in knowing that each zap is destroying whatever cancer cell that remains. I have been warned that it's easy to remain positive and upbeat during treatment. But post-treatment, as nothing is being done anymore and essentially no more action undertaken, fears and worries will become stronger. How will I react? It remains to be seen in the days ahead. I might fall and fail along the way. But I know that God is faithful, and he will rescue me in good time.